I only made it to a handful of conventions this year, but I met some of my now nearest and dearest at each of them. Caught up in the excitement, it wasn’t till later that I was able to consider how quickly perfect strangers had become some of my favorite people, literally overnight. The friendships we form at conventions and the experiences we have exist on a wildly truncated and intense timeline. Over-caffeinated and under-slept like you haven’t been since college, you’re doing things you don’t usually do every night, maybe even any night.

Hitting the Wall, With Your Face

Anyone can run out of emotional and mental bandwidth at a convention sooner than anywhere else. Being aware of when you’re about to hit the wall is key to actually enjoying yourself. Taking a moment to grab a quiet conversation with a new friend, retreat to your hotel room for a thirty minute nap, nip outside to chat up the smokers and anyone else looking for a moment outside the crush — all viable ways to keep from running shrieking and insane from the thousands of people surrounding you. Some of my favorite moments this year were under the eaves with a few friends outside, getting a breath of passably fresh air as we took a moment together as a group to collectively not go nuts.

Playing You vs. Being You

When we’re at cons, we’re “on”, playing a version of ourselves because it’s a different emotional space. That version of us, while containing some of our qualities, caffeinated and cranked to 11, is not the same as the people we are at home. You might feel the pressure to be an animated and intensely engaged 24/7 version of you. Some people have a reputation as being incredibly outgoing, the penultimate life of the convention. But away from suite parties and awards shows, those same people may be reserved, or even exhausted by that effort. Some of the most genuine and wonderful people I know often don their public persona as soon as they walk up to registration, and never let it slip in public till they walk out days later.

You must decide how comfortable you are playing you, or seeing others using a public mask. It is not inherently bad or good to be on or not. But if you decide to be on: remember that you’re performing and take time to “go offstage” and recharge.

Making a Fool of Yourself

Everybody has a story about something stupid they did at a convention. My collection is pretty small as sins go, but I have a recent one from this year. Off-site from a convention, a friend of mine and I were attending an event in a local nightclub associated with a convention. One of the guests at this event is an artist whose work I admire. In order to pluck up my courage, my friend bought me a shot. And another shot. By the end of the night, I was tipsy enough that I not only had to take my time walking when I went to attempt to say hello, I also only managed a petrified squeak. To their credit, that artist took a shyly awkward woman nearly tripping over them with grace and tact. Suffice to say, I fled shortly after.

I have yet to drink before meeting my heroes since then, and plan to continue the trend of doing so shy but sober. Being an intoxicated and awkward fan is one thing, but there are plenty of other things that could become your convention story. Walk of shame. Pick a fight with a peer. Stand on top of a table and literally sing your own praises.

So trust your instincts. If something inside you says you will deeply regret what you’re about to do: don’t do it. I know it’s easy to say, but you have to train yourself to listen to that Jiminy Cricket in your head that will save you from yourself.

On the other hand, if you do fall to temptation, you can hide behind excuses, drown in shame, or own that moment. If you’re called out about it, you don’t deny being stupid. If you can be confident in yourself enough as a person, you’ll have the integrity to admit to your mistakes, and even learn from them. If you don’t own it, other people will. So you better be on the spot to make that moment yours, and not a tool of other people to hurt or demean you.

The Seven Stages of Goodbye

The con is a transient space. It doesn’t last. It ends, and it’s supposed to. Don’t be sad about missing a party, blowing off a panel, or not seeing everyone you know. Cons are ephemeral. Not everyone can stay for the same amount of time. Goodbyes can start the night before con ends, through to the trip home. They get exchanged on the convention floor, in elevators and on escalators, passing each other on the street. They continue in taxi or train rides and at airport gates. I have witnessed the tearful, desperate kisses of long-distance couples at the gate during boarding calls, and the tears that followed on the plane.

Some goodbyes are easier, while others weigh heavy as a stone. Take a moment to hold that grief in your hands, and then let it go. There’s always the next Con.

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When I moved from Copenhagen to Seattle, I took none of my network with me. My life was getting a reboot, and I found myself facing the daunting task of starting over – socially, and to a certain degree, professionally. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a very active networker. I despise most “networking events”. They make me feel like I am being pitched to – and that I need to pitch myself. It’s a forced and unnatural situation that makes me cringe.

However, I do consider myself a social person. I love meeting smart, talented people but I prefer a more direct, personal context. I think of it as organic networking.

I am definitely drawn to people who are better than me at something, and with whom I have good chemistry. They don’t have to be in a field related to my own, or even one I see myself involved with. Creative talent and winning personalities inspire me regardless of their professional field or level of education. It’s one of the reasons I started Another Passion in the first place.

Since my early twenties, I have made a conscious effort to finish every large project with at least one new relationship. I use the word ‘relationship’ here to distinguish between a name in your contacts and someone you actually socialize with; even if the socializing is limited to Twitter. It doesn’t matter if the project was a job, a workshop or some other event, or whether it itself was a success. If a lasting relationship was formed, it was probably worth my time.

A contact is a phone number or e-mail you’ve saved for some reason. Two months from now, you will be cleaning out your files, uncover the card/e-mail and toss it. If you have ever been to a convention or trade show, you know what I’m talking about. Cards are fine, but only as a supplement. A relationship is based on genuine interest. For me, collecting 100 contacts is a waste of time compared to connecting (even on a slightly deeper level) with just one person.

Here’s the thing: It’s not about you. In any type of relationship you give as much as you receive – at times even more. I don’t keep score, but I do listen to my gut. Through trial and (thankfully very little) error, I am getting good at recognizing those looking for a shortcut, whether it’s a quick profit or a step up the social/corporate ladder. Some have no problems taking advantage of you to further their own agenda. Others are flakes, well meaning but too distracted to follow through.

Still, I believe that when networking is approached from a relationship-building angle and you leave the used-car-salesman tactics at home, the result is a stronger foundation for increased inspiration, productivity and success. At least that has proven to be the case in my own life.

Reaching out to someone you would like to know better is easy. Just send a note. Not to sell or promote anything, but to give a well deserved compliment, share an idea or if appropriate, invite them out for coffee.

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No matter what creative field you are in, at some point you will be collaborating or outsourcing parts of your work. An author gets a designer to do her book cover, a photographer might hire a make-up artist and a composer works with a recording engineer. Creatives work together across genres and fields all the time.

Creative partnerships are inspiring and educational experiences, and the product of a good collaboration will be miles ahead of most one-man productions.

But there is a dark side to collaborating too. For every one creative professional, there is at least a dozen who aren’t. They might be talented, creative and artistic, but they do not have the work ethics of a pro. They will end up slowing you down and hurting your project. No matter what your industry is, you must learn to recognize and avoid Flakes!

By Flake, I don’t mean someone who has a tendency to show up a little late to meetings, misses the occasional deadline or takes a day to answer their email. I’m talking about the ones that commit and enthuse, only to fizzle out and forget their enthusiasm and offer whatever excuse for letting you down. Flakes are repeat offenders, and the more energy you waste on them, the quicker they will grind you down.

Luckily, there are tells you might look for when encountering new potential partners. Here are three of them.

1. Vague Answers to Specific Questions

A classic tell is that the Flake doesn’t really have a firm grasp of what his role is, or what is expected. He will pay you lip service until you ask a specific question. When put on the spot, he will cover his own insecurity or lack of knowledge with a vague answer. Most flakes know what they are. Even if they aren’t conscious about the term itself.

2. No Work to Show

Many Flakes are well spoken and may dazzle you with words, ideas and promises. Ask to see examples and references. The more eloquent and sweet the promises are, the greater the need to see the work. The best you can do is ask others that have worked with that person in the past, and if there are no references to ask, it’s a sign you won’t be the first to cut this Flake off.

3. The Me-Motivation

Flakes are selfish creatures. They get involved with projects they think will better their position, whether it’s to make a quick buck, meet influential people, or just to get attention. Again, they might talk about teamwork and mutual benefits, but ask for details. What was their role in their last collaborative project? What were the results of that project? If the answers are vague, you’ve got a Flake!

Flakes are impossible to avoid, and just because someone flakes out once, doesn’t mean they are bad people to be shunned. Take circumstances into consideration before you pass judgment on others. If it’s a one-time thing, don’t judge too harshly.

It may be that the creative partner who let you down had a good reason, so talk to her before you cut her off. But don’t be afraid to do so if that’s what it takes. It’s easy to be nice and forgiving, but you end up hurting your project and personal credibility by misplacing trust in someone who will ultimately let you down.

I’ll leave you with Frank Zappa’s “Flakes”, about … well, you know…

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This is a post by Lillian Cohen-Moore, a freelance writer, editor and personal assistant. When she isn’t spending time in libraries, cemeteries and archives, she’s a stage manager and model.

I didn’t actually intend on becoming a personal assistant. Last year, it was because I applied to be an intern with an editor I greatly respected. Though I was declined for the internship, Jennifer offered me a job as her personal assistant, and I said yes. I don’t work in a cubicle, or in the waiting room of my boss’s office. I have a life outside assisting, but it’s often full of work for other clients. It’s given me a door into a world I didn’t know I’d love. And if you think you have the temperament to survive as the assistant to a creative, there are a few things to consider.

Can you handle being the Gate Keeper for your boss?

You have to decide, aside from the directives straight from your boss, who gets to talk to them. If it’s someone they don’t want to talk to, or shouldn’t have to (because they have you, dear) you have to be firm and polite enough to turn them away, without being a Class A jerk about it.

Can you handle being a lion tamer for your boss?

There will be people who your boss will upset, either directly or indirectly. It doesn’t matter who is or isn’t at fault. At some point, via email or in person, you will get to deal with angry people, often with money involved. The assistant who doubles as a lion tamer has to put fiercely before polite but firm, and aggressively in front of cheerful.

Will you be able to support your boss and their work?

If you don’t admire your boss either as a person, or for what they do, you’re signing yourself up for an incredibly miserable experience with a paycheck. It takes a lot of faith in someone to be happy about being their assistant. If you don’t think you can like them as a person or a professional, walk away.

There are some stereotypes about assisting that stay true, even when your boss is in a creative field. You will answer phone calls, write e-mail, update social media, make coffee, get coffee, spend time at the FedEx/Kinko’s store, open mail, organize and send mail, hold coats and purses, write signage, play with their pets, walk their pets, run errands, set up booths at conventions, travel, talk to the press, draft and send invoices, learn how your boss orders their latte, and a myriad of other gritty details that may bore you to contemplate. But they’re the mundane stuff that work is often made of.

The less mundane stuff in comparison, using my own job as an example: my first cocktail party with my boss was this year. Of the names I’d recognized, most of them were people I had read books by, but never thought I’d actually meet. Post-party, I recognize a lot more faces and names, but a multi-day cocktail circuit while traveling will cement these things. My bookshelf has slowly but surely, been taken over with books my boss has given me, or someone working with my boss gave me, or I bought while somewhere with my boss. For the first time in my life, I’ve been forced to get business cards, because it beats writing down your info on the back of a cocktail napkin. I carry a variety of pens and have become versed in which ones I should hand to my boss to sign a document, write a note, or sign a book. I answer more email for work than I have ever received on a personal basis. I am mentored, spoiled, and given an education I cannot find elsewhere. People surprise me by learning my name.

Being an assistant to someone in a creative field is rewarding, frustrating, educational, and rarely boring. I have the career I have, and clients I have, either from being an assistant or from the skills I gained on this job. People have joked that I’m following in the footsteps of my boss, and there’s a lot of truth to that. We often try to be like the people we admire.

I can’t say a lot more — mostly because I need to get back to putting out fires in my inbox – but I can tell you this. If you become an assistant, to someone in a field you love or are intrigued by, your life can change. You’ll work long hours. You’ll pay a lot of dues, metaphorically and literally. Yet along the way, if you’re open to it, it can stop being a paycheck and become a path to finding your way to your dreams.

Lillian is rumored to have many more stories up her sleeve and may well return to Another Passion to share them. In the meantime, you can follow her as @lilyorit on Twitter.

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“Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you’re kind, amazing things will happen. I’m telling you, amazing things will happen.” -Conan O’Brien

These words were uttered during Conan O’Brien’s last show on NBC. Something interesting or entertaining was bound to happen during this final show, but I was not expecting the quote above. Or rather, I didn’t expect the sudden revelation I had when he said it.

You have to have both.

Working hard makes you productive and sharpens your skills. The more you work, the more you ship and the better you get. Add kindness and you’ve got an explosive cocktail. As Conan was talking I looked across the room at my wife Kelly. It occurred to me that those were the exact two qualities that had made her successful. She has a deep passion for food and has made it her living.

A giftbasket of mushrooms Kelly put together for a friend. Photo by Kelly Cline.

In the five years we have been together, I have witnessed her culinary skills and expertise grow, as she kept learning and trying new techniques. In the same time, she has also built herself a strong network of fellow foodies from chefs and restaurateurs to vendors, writers and editors.

Kelly genuinely likes to help others, even when she is really too busy. In fact, we first met when she volunteered to show me around Seattle. I was in town for a week and had no idea where to go or what to see, so she offered to help. Then something amazing happened, we fell in love.

When it comes to meeting new people, Kelly builds relationships instead of collecting “contacts”. If she likes you, she will go out of her way to be considerate and kind, no matter who you are.

Kindness is not to be confused with sucking up to others or paying it forward and true kindness can’t be faked. It’s about reaching out and helping where your particular skills are needed, and without the expectation of compensation. Simply because you want to. Does this mean giving away your work for free? Sometimes it does.

I give the interviewees on Another Passion permission to use the photos I take of them. It would be silly not to. And since I meet many different creatives, I try to connect people if I realize they might benefit each other. Some interviewees have given me samples of their work (like a cd of music, a book or a T-shirt) or referred new interviewees to me. These unexpected, little gestures are kindness in action in one of its simplest forms.

Kindness turns followers into fans and clients into referrals, that is if they have something to be fans and referrals of. Which is where the hard work comes into play.

This is how I interpret Conan O’Brien’s words: work hard for what you want in a non-cynical way and stay open to the opportunities that present themselves – and amazing things will happen.

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Kevin Urie is a go-getter. I got that feeling even before setting up an interview with him. He is a marketing man who just over a year ago made the decision to learn more about social media. So he formed the Seattle chapter of the Social Media Club and was blown away by its reception. The rest is history and today the Seattle Social Media Club is one of the most popular networking groups in the city.

I met with Kevin downtown, making sure to show up 15 minutes early and still not getting there first. This did not surprise me. I found it more surprising that he drinks tea instead of coffee (this being Seattle, that’s almost considered a sin by some). In a matter of seconds, I was drawn in by Kevin’s curious nature and warm personality. Obviously both a great talker and listener, I came away from the interview uncertain as to who really asked the most questions.

AP: You founded the Seattle chapter of the Social Media Club, which is now very popular. What made you invest the time and energy to do this?

KU: Ignorance at first. 12 months ago when I started Social Media Club Seattle (SMC Seattle) I had no idea what I was getting into. I’m a learner, and believe if you are not moving forward you are moving back. I wanted to take on a new challenge and learn something new. In the months leading up to me starting SMC Seattle I started to dive into social media, and really enjoyed it, and wanted to learn more.

So I reached out to Kristie Wells from Social Media Club international to see if they had a Seattle group I could connect with. I learned there was not an active chapter in Seattle, so I asked if they would like me to start one. Considering the other Social Media Clubs I knew about at the time, had around 30-50 people at a bar talking social media, I thought it would be no big deal.

Well at our first event we had over 150 people and I was shocked and wondering what the heck I got myself into. Lucky for me a great group of board members surrounded me, and have made working on SMC Seattle fun. Not to mention I have learned more than I would have ever thought, and have made some friends I don’t know what I would do without now.

AP: How has Social Media influenced your own way of life? How much is personal, how much is business?

KU: Social media allows me to get outside both my personal and business silos. I think this is a key to both personal and professional growth.

We learn more from those around us than we do in any book or blog, and with social media I am able to surround myself with some of the best and brightest. I am able to connect with people I would have probably never met through traditional channels.

Think about how many people you typically come in contact with on a daily basis, at work, coffee shops, gas stations, etc. Really it’s not too many people, and it’s a lot of the same people every day. These connections are important but they limit us, and we tend to make us all start thinking the same way.

By using social media I have been able to escape this silo. I am now able to connect with thousands of people every day. Hear what they have to say about topics, see what they think is interesting. Then with SMC Seattle I am able to meet some of these people in person, and take these relationships to even the next level.

So to answer your original question, in my personal life, I am now exposed to more ways of thought than before, and I think it makes me a better friend and more complete person. These social connections work the same way for my professional career. I bring more info and experience forward to my clients and employer than I ever did before.

Social media is like the Borg from Star Trek, but in a good way. When a bunch of people share and learn together, everyone benefits.

AP: You talk about social media as a ‘communication philosophy’. What is that about, and could it be applied to offline life as well?

KU: It’s a little pet peeve of mine. I hear people and companies say I need to get on Twitter, Facebook, etc. Those are tools, they really don’t matter, they are just a vessel for communication. Heck in some cases they might not even be the best vessel.

What social media is about to me is about communication. It’s about connecting with people, establishing relationships, and learning together.

For companies this means listening, sharing and working with your customers/employees to improve your product/service and social media tools provide a great way to do that. If you don’t believe in the listening and sharing part however, the tools are going aren’t going to help you.

Offline is no different. Take a networking event. Some people are there to learn, but others are just there to make connections, give out business cards, and make a sale (lucky for us, SMC Seattle doesn’t have many of these). The networking event is a tool, how you choose to use it determines the value you get out of it. Same thing can be said about friendships, jobs, or pretty much for anything if you think about it.

AP: I know from experience that it’s easy to waste a lot of time on things like Facebook and Twitter. How do you engage in the social aspect and still stay productive?

KU: I won’t lie, it’s hard. The more connections I make the harder it is to step away. I feel like I am turning my back on my friends when I do.

Most of the community understands however, because they go through it as well. We are not all Chris Brogan and can be connected at all times, and going 1,000 miles an hour. I’ve got a family, a busy job, and not to mention SMC Seattle which ironically takes me away from social media at times.

I think with anything you need to find your balance. I remember when I got my first smart phone it was a bit overwhelming to have access to my email at all time. Every time it beeped I freaked out, but over time I learned to live with it, where now it’s to a point I stress if I don’t have it.

I think the younger generations have a huge advantage over us in this area. They can multi-task better than me. They can IM, TXT, and carry on a conversation all at the same time, and give everyone the proper attention they deserve. I can do about two, but still have trouble with it at some times.

ADD is our friend beyond 2010.

AP: I’ve heard some critics say that social media will eventually drown in spam and marketing. What do you think about that?

KU: I agree that people will try, but don’t know if they will succeed. The community on these networks must understand that they are in charge, not the brands. It’s not like TV or Radio, where business decides what airs and what we see. In social media we determine who we friend, what we pay attention to. If we pay attention to the spam and marketing and it works, it will be there.

Let’s hope we are all smarter than that.

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